Compliance is Not Consent

Just because you comply, it does not mean you consent.

Whether it’s domestic violence, intimate partner violence, sexual assault, forced marriage, sex or labor trafficking, or any other form of trauma, sometimes you have to comply in order to survive.

Survivors often blame themselves for their own abuse or exploitation because society has mislabeled compliance under coercive control as consent freely given.

In fact, coercive control by the abuser often looks like compliance by the survivor- until we look deeper at the power dynamics at play.

Just like fight or flight are natural body and brain responses to trauma and danger, freeze and fawn (people pleasing/“playing along”) are natural body and brain responses to trauma and danger.

Compliance is often an act of survival. It does not mean you “allowed it” or “asked for it” or any other victim blaming statements you might hear.

No means no, but yes doesn’t always mean yes when it comes to consent, coercive control, power dynamics, and trauma bonding- especially when we are talking about folks from marginalized communities who have little to no other options.

It should also be noted that you can 1) love the person who hurts you, 2) comply with the abuse, and 3) still not consent. It is common for survivors to like or love aspects of an abusive or exploitive relationship.

Such positive feelings towards the abuser enhances the abuser’s power and control over the survivor. Trauma bonding, also referred to as a trauma-coerced bonding, is the emotional attachment one may have towards their abuser. This bond is strengthened by the neurological ups and downs of cortisol and adrenaline from the traumatic abuse of power, followed by oxytocin and dopamine from reward, love, sexual intimacy, basic needs being met, or even a sense of reprieve (i.e. a brief break from the trauma, a shower, a moment of rest, etc.).

For some survivors, they liked and/or loved the person who hurt them, for others there might be feelings of indebtedness or gratitude because that person also met very real physical and emotional needs like housing or hope or belonging. However, the duality of caring about the person who hurt you does not mean you deserved or consented to the abuse you endured.